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The Prescription with Dr. Crab
Take My Heisman...Please!
Dr. Crab
Feature Presentation Columnist
April 27, 2006
Reggie Bush’s parents had an interesting living situation last season. They were living in the home of Michael Michaels, a man who has attempted to handle Bush’s professional marketing. Michaels also was interesting in recruiting Bush for agent David Caravantes. The Pac-10 is now investigating whether Bush’s parents were receiving a financial benefit that would render Bush ineligible for the 2005 season and 2006 Rose Bowl. The most severe consequence possible for USC is forfeiture of games and the Pac-10 championship. Bush could lose the 2005 Heisman Trophy. He’s probably not too upset about that.
The Heisman Trophy “Curse” is a fairly recent enchantment. Roger Staubach, Marcus Allen, Tony Dorsett surely weren’t cursed on the way to the Pro Football Hall of Fame. But in 1989 an ugly trend started with Heisman Trophy winners.
The Lineup:
- 1989: Andre Ware: 1st round pick, backed up Flutie in the CFL
- 1990: Ty Detmer: 9th round pick (remember the 12 round Draft?) Career backup
- 1991: Desmond Howard: Super bust in DC, Super Bowl MVP as return man for Pack
- 1992: Gino Torreta: Got some PT—In NFL Europe
- 1993: Charlie Ward: PG for Knicks, wisely avoiding the football part of the curse
- 1994: Rashaan Salaam: Pretty good in the XFL (until his injury)
- 1995: Eddie George: Exception that proves the rule
- 1996: Danny Wuerffel: Spurrier loved Danny Woeful, now they’re both out of the league
- 1997: Charles Woodson: Um…I think he might have bad B.O.
- 1999: Ricky smokes more chronic than Dr. Dre, but there’s no drug testing when you own a rap label
- 1999: Ron Dayne: Showed something for a while, a mediocre career at best
- 2000: Chris Weinke: Too old for NFL success
- 2001: Eric Crouch: 3rd String…in the CFL
- 2002: Carson Palmer: Palmer looked to break the curse before he tore 2 ligaments in his knee
- 2003: Jason White: 2 ACL tears, retired in the Titans’ camp
- 2004: Matt Leinart, Senior, USC
- 2005: Reggie Bush, Junior, USC
Granted, not all of these players were high picks like Bush appears to be. But athletes are notoriously superstitious. So my bet as to who leaked the parents’ rental? Reggie.
Here’s how the conspiracy theory plays out. One night while Bush was drinking with his buddies, one of his future hanger-ons mentions the Heisman Curse as a joke. Bush laughs initially, but when he gets home he Googles it. Shaking off the beer buzz, he starts to get a little scared. There are a lot of non-careers and blown out knees on this list. OJ Simpson won the Heisman for Pete’s sake! Sure, Bush will get a huge payday when he’s drafted, but what if he’s playing for the Amsterdam Admirals in 2 years? (Speaking of, wouldn’t the Amsterdam Admirals be a good fit for Ricky Williams?) Reggie is a competitor. He doesn’t want to be a “bust,” he wants to go to the Hall of Fame. Then he remembers his parents’ house that they’re “renting” for a dollar a year. Mom and Dad have been getting on Reggie lately anyway. “Why don’t you find a nice girl and get married?” “Why don’t you visit more often?” “You don’t like yams? How can you not like yams?” He doesn’t like the possibility that the team would
have to forfeit games. But Reggie thinks to himself, “no more of those stinking yams for me.” He pens an anonymous email to Yahoo.
Should Reggie have to give up his Heisman Trophy, expect him to express deep regret. Nevertheless, if you live in Houston go out to the clubs that night. A certain lightning-quick VIP may be out having the time of his life.
You can reach Dr. Crab @ drcrab@featurepresentationonline.com.
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